How To Make A Bollywood Movie (Sarcasm)

Hey guys, today we'll be learning how to make a Bollywood movie in a few simple and easy steps but before we begin with the post here's a list of a few things that I'd like to clear up:
1. Bollywood here refers just to the Hindi Film Industry and not the Indian Film Industry as a whole.

2. In this post, I'll be talking about Bollywood in general and not every person in Bollywood falls under that category so obviously there a few exceptions as well.
3. I'm just an 18-year-old teenager who literally has no idea how a Bollywood movie is made but today we try to figure that out.

So, first things first:

The Script

In order to be a scriptwriter in Bollywood, you have to be an expert in the art of leaving your brains home. Yup you read that right because in Bollywood you are not allowed to explore your creative side and write a story with an out of the box new concept as none of the production houses and the so-called mafias will ever fund your ideas. Their only agenda of producing a film is making money.

Stories highlighting real issues like farmer suicides, crimes against women, climate change are not allowed.
Science Fiction is a big no.
Space movies: no again.
Illogical and unrealistic commercial love stories: well now you're talking. The role of the female lead should be limited to supporting and loving the lead actor and nothing more than that.
Also, copying concepts from Hollywood and adding your own Bollywood tadka to the script is also appreciated.

Now that our script is ready we move on to the second step of making a Bollywood movie:

The Casting

If you believe that in order to be selected as a lead in a Bollywood film you need talent, good acting skills and have to go through rounds of auditions, then I'm really sorry to inform you that you are just very very wrong.
To be eligible for the lead role in a Bollywood film you just need to be related to someone in the industry. If your father, mother, uncle, aunt, or any relative is a part of Bollywood then guess what? You just got the part!!

Talent and acting skills are not mandatory at all. 

Also, you should have a ripped body irrespective of what the role demands as a shirtless scene is always appreciated in Bollywood.

For the lead female part, there are a few other criteria as well.

You should just have a pretty face and even if you can't act or speak Hindi at all, it is not an issue at all.

If you have exceptional talent but unfortunately you're not related to someone in the industry, then it would be better if you just gave up your dreams or else you'll have to struggle for years before you land up with a decent role.

The third step involved in making a Bollywood movie is very important:

Direction  

Same logic as casting applies to direction as well. It's very unlikely that the big production houses will fund your creative ideas if you're an outsider.

While directing a Bollywood movie you need to make it as unrealistic as possible and logic is not required.

Blowing up a few cars, shooting in foreign locations, adding romantic songs and copying a few scenes frame to frame including posters from movies all over the world is a tried and tested formula for a commercially successful movie. So, why try anything new and why take a risk?

Also, the lead actor should be able to do anything from beating up 20 guys with his bare hands to stalking the actress with no one to question his strength or character.


And, the last step involved in making a Bollywood movie is:

Adding Unnecessary Songs

No matter how irrelevant to the movie it may be, you need to add unnecessary songs because they boost the movie revenue and many people may end up watching the movie just because of the songs however bad the movie might be.

And you don't need to be a good singer at all. Just hand over the mic to any actor and with the help of some (actually a lot) auto-tuning you can produce a hit song.

Ruining old classics is also trendy these days.

Item songs featuring short dressed women to lure the audience towards the theaters are a must. They don't seem to objectify women at all. A Punjabi rap song is compulsory.

Moving on to the lyrics, they don't need to make sense at all. Just create a catchy song and soon it may be a party anthem.

Keeping Hopes Alive

So, guys, that is all with the sarcastic part of the post and I'm really sorry if I hurt your sentiments in any way. My purpose of writing this post is not to shame Bollywood or project it in any bad light.

But as an Indian and a great movie buff sometimes you just feel very bad when a country with over 1.25 billion people can't produce a lot of great movies. The same repetitive love stories featuring star kids keep on repeating in Bollywood. There are probably just two or three films made each year with new concepts. Our nation has never managed to win an Academy Award while Sweden with a population less than 10 million has won 3 Academy Awards in the 'Best Foreign Language Film' category.

I personally feel that there is an abundance of talent present in India but the stereotypical mentality of some powerful people in the industry of not giving outsiders any chance and growing nepotism, the standard of movies has really gone down.

Recently, I watched the 1957 movie Pyaasa and to be frank with you it was a thousand times better than most of the movies released in 2017. The issues highlighted in the movie still hold relevance in this modern world.

There are a few exceptions as well but they are quite a few in number.

The recent trend of movies starring big superstars failing at the box office is an indication that people have become smarter. They no longer are ready to watch a movie with repetitive content just because of a big star in it. People are appreciating the scripts with new concepts and realistic movies like the Marathi film Sairat are doing great at the box office. The number of Hollywood movies making it big on the Indian box office has grown in the past few years.

Though the change is taking place quite slow, I believe that someday content movies will be appreciated more than dumb commercial love stories.  

The culture of star kids getting launched through big production houses should stop. Instead, the casting should be done in a more transparent manner and only through auditions.If we don't talk about it probably this issue would never get resolved and Bollywood will keep making dumb commercial love stories as long as they make good profits.

That's all with today's post. Don't forget to write down your views and suggestions in the comment section. So, till the next post; keep reading and keep smiling:)

*Fun Fact*

Bollywood made several movies on India's most wanted criminal but never made one on the inspiring story of our late President Dr. APJ Abdul Kalam.